Many of the people in our church had us married off within a month of our first date. We went out three time, before he announced it to me, that is when I realized we were dating... I really never expected anyone to be interested in me, so it didn't really occur to me that we were dating. He is 13 years older than me, and we always had at least some of the Youth Group with us, for all I knew he was trying to recruit me for working with the teens or in the nursery or something.
Our first date was on Dec. 21, 1997. In his appearance to be proper and upright, he met with the adopted family I had moved to Oregon with. He explained to, at least, Grandpa Fred his intentions, but I wasn't clued in, or I would have refused that first date (if I had known that is what it was). Not because of Brad, but because of me. I believed I was not good enough for anyone, and I didn't want anyone to start dating me and realize what a worthless person I was, and then reject me.
Anyway.
Because of their conversation, Grandpa Fred knew, the significance of knowing that date. My birthday is in October, and everybody in the church was sure I was going to get a ring for my birthday. Brad had assured me, not yet, while laughing at their hysteria over it. So, mostly to mess with their heads, he decided to get me a dress coat for church for the winter. A real need since I had nothing really adequate for the weather, considering I came from the desert in So. Cal. He said I had to go with him to pick it out, to make sure it fit, and said that it was expensive. :) It did the trick, there were several who were not satisfied with the gift he gave me, and they were sure he was going to do more than just the coat (the only one he bought me in 17 years. He finally bought me a new coat, not as expensive a few months before the truth came out), he didn't.
In December, as I mentioned, in the previous post, he did the 12 days of Christmas. I got a gift every day for each of the 12 days leading up to Christmas day. The 8th day of Christmas was December 21, 1998. He made dinner, including Santa cookies (for some reason that is the only thing I remember of the food), he kicked his mom and sister out of their home for the evening, and planned for us to watch the then new "Preacher's Wife" movie. After we ate, but before the movie (I think) is when he proposed. But he insisted that he would not give the ring as a Christmas gift, so he also gave me a ring holder and a dozen roses (between that day and the two days before I got 19 roses).
That night was also our first kiss, and he said, "You're going to be a Preacher's Wife." Like I was going to live the movie. Unfortunately, I did feel much like Whitney Houston's character, for many years. And became frustrated because, even though we watched that movie every year, for most of the 17.25 years we lived together, he never saw the light like the husband does in the movie. I remember thinking,"Do you not see the similarity in our lives to this movie???" Whether he did or not, I will never know.
The weird thing is, that even though we told "my" people first (his family probably knew before we told them), and it took a whopping 5 seconds for the news to spread through the church that following Wednesday night. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were spent with his family, and New Years Eve, at that time was spent at the church. I remember crying, being sad on Christmas Day, not sure why. But I remember, nobody asking me why I was sad, I know it was obvious, because I have seen pictures.
Even after we were engaged, he still would not hold my
hand or show any kind of affection in public, not an arm around my
shoulders or a peck on the cheek. If we were in the car alone, or if the
people I was living with were gone to bed, that was different,
especially if I was suffering from an intense migraine. That left me confused, and unsure what he was trying to convey. BECAUSE of my experience with people in High School telling me,"I am your friend, just don't tell anybody." and them walking away before anyone would accuse them of liking me, I took it personally, and decided he didn't really want people to know he cared like he claimed to. I wasn't worthy of anybody caring anyway, and I needed to be thankful that he was willing to marry me.
Friday, November 24, 2017
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Dating
Our dating was very one sided, I guess. It served him primarily (remember I was needy). We only dated on Sundays and Wednesdays. He didn't ask me out until services were over. He basically assumed I was going to go out with him, and I dutifully waited after church every service for him to ask me and then said yes. The older and wiser me, of today would demand at least 24 hours and I certainly wouldn't wait around after church for him to get done talking to everybody else.
We went out for Mexican food almost every Sunday, and if we didn't we went home to his (his mother's) house. Even if we went out, we would end up at his house. He knew I didn't (and still don't) enjoy watching TV, yet that is what he had us doing pretty much every week. Except he would set me at the end of the couch, then he would lay down with his head in my lap and then go to sleep, with me stuck, with him laying on me, no way to go home, and too nice to wake him up. Sunday nights, we would usually go to Shari's. Sometimes we would take some of the teens and go to Dairy Queen or Burger King. He said he liked Shari's because it was open 24-hours, so we could sit and talk as late as we wanted and didn't have to worry about them closing. Wednesday nights were also spent at Shari's.
During that time I had questions, like why did he subject me to an afternoon full of TV, even though he knew I didn't want anything to do with it? But he was so "good" to me, I dismissed my "red flags" as my own short comings. And he did so many "nice" things for me!
During that time I had severe chronic migraine (because of my diet, but I had no idea what the real trigger was!), and he would come calling any time I had a headache and would take me to the hospital for Demerol, and because it is wonderful stuff (it didn't take the pain away, but who cared!), he would take me home and put me to bed in his bed and he would go sleep on the couch (that was OK because he still lived at home with his mom and sister), or he would take me home and put me in my PJs and make sure I was asleep before he left (also OK because I was living with an older couple in the church who had known him for years and knew he would not do anything inappropriate). In November during the year we were dating, he even drove the teens to Youth Conference in Portland (4 hours away) and drove back to take me to get an CT-scan, because of the headaches, and then drove back to bring the kids home. He made sure I got flowers for every major holiday, including a dozen roses on Valentines (the first for me!), and the 12 days of Christmas. I was pretty much swept away.
He took me to the police department when I reported mt step-father's abuse. Sat beside me the whole time, told me how amazed and impressed he was by my ability to say and do what I had done on that day, then that same day, he told me he loved me for the very first time. (another first for me!)
I did think it was weird the way he he told me that he loved me. I had asked him a few days before, because we had a strange conversation the night before I asked him if he loved me. We had taken a couple teen girls with us to take a visitor home. She was visiting her family for the summer, but they lived like 25 miles out of town, but we were willing to pick her up before church and drop her off. So Brad invited a couple of the teen girls to ride along, he said to encourage friendship between the girls. After we dropped her off, the other girls went silly! One calling me mom while we were in the grocery store, only annoyed me in the moment because I am only 6 years older than she is (funny how a year later, I was quite happy to take that role in her life when she needed it, but that story comes later). Anyway, after we got settled back in the van and headed towards home, these girls started asking questions. One asked if Brad would marry her, meaning officiate the ceremony, but somehow that silliness lead to one of the girls asking him what he would say if I asked him to marry me. He said he would say no because it is the man's place to ask. that took them into a whole different conversation :) But after the girls were dropped at their homes, he asked me what I would say if he asked. I asked if he was asking, he said no, he just was wondering what I would say. With that I am pretty sure I gave him an "I don't know." Mostly because, he had never given any indication of how he felt. By this point we had been dating 8 months, though he had given me gifts and/or flowers at every holiday, and even a diamond necklace in July, he had yet to hold my hand, or tell me he loved me, but he was asking about marriage? I was confused by his wondering about my response to that particular question. So after I asked him, and after we spent a very difficult afternoon at the police department, he sat down with his bible and read Proverbs 31 to me. Compared me to the woman described there (which is odd because I was not a wife or a mother, but...), and said,:"You asked if I love you. Yes. I love you."
It was what I wanted to hear, so it was good enough. And though I think it was odd now, I am pretty sure I thought it was so sweet then.
After that there was not another mention of marriage for months. He did start holding my hand, but only of there was absolutely nobody around to see it. Not in stores, not in restaurants, certainly not in church or around the Youth Group (he was the Youth Pastor at the time). That made me feel weird. I thought "why is it OK to hold my hand only when there is nobody else around?" He explained it away by saying he discouraged the teens from holding hands, and he needed to set that example for them. It didn't set quite right as a sufficient answer, but I accepted it, and went along with it.
We went out for Mexican food almost every Sunday, and if we didn't we went home to his (his mother's) house. Even if we went out, we would end up at his house. He knew I didn't (and still don't) enjoy watching TV, yet that is what he had us doing pretty much every week. Except he would set me at the end of the couch, then he would lay down with his head in my lap and then go to sleep, with me stuck, with him laying on me, no way to go home, and too nice to wake him up. Sunday nights, we would usually go to Shari's. Sometimes we would take some of the teens and go to Dairy Queen or Burger King. He said he liked Shari's because it was open 24-hours, so we could sit and talk as late as we wanted and didn't have to worry about them closing. Wednesday nights were also spent at Shari's.
During that time I had questions, like why did he subject me to an afternoon full of TV, even though he knew I didn't want anything to do with it? But he was so "good" to me, I dismissed my "red flags" as my own short comings. And he did so many "nice" things for me!
During that time I had severe chronic migraine (because of my diet, but I had no idea what the real trigger was!), and he would come calling any time I had a headache and would take me to the hospital for Demerol, and because it is wonderful stuff (it didn't take the pain away, but who cared!), he would take me home and put me to bed in his bed and he would go sleep on the couch (that was OK because he still lived at home with his mom and sister), or he would take me home and put me in my PJs and make sure I was asleep before he left (also OK because I was living with an older couple in the church who had known him for years and knew he would not do anything inappropriate). In November during the year we were dating, he even drove the teens to Youth Conference in Portland (4 hours away) and drove back to take me to get an CT-scan, because of the headaches, and then drove back to bring the kids home. He made sure I got flowers for every major holiday, including a dozen roses on Valentines (the first for me!), and the 12 days of Christmas. I was pretty much swept away.
He took me to the police department when I reported mt step-father's abuse. Sat beside me the whole time, told me how amazed and impressed he was by my ability to say and do what I had done on that day, then that same day, he told me he loved me for the very first time. (another first for me!)
I did think it was weird the way he he told me that he loved me. I had asked him a few days before, because we had a strange conversation the night before I asked him if he loved me. We had taken a couple teen girls with us to take a visitor home. She was visiting her family for the summer, but they lived like 25 miles out of town, but we were willing to pick her up before church and drop her off. So Brad invited a couple of the teen girls to ride along, he said to encourage friendship between the girls. After we dropped her off, the other girls went silly! One calling me mom while we were in the grocery store, only annoyed me in the moment because I am only 6 years older than she is (funny how a year later, I was quite happy to take that role in her life when she needed it, but that story comes later). Anyway, after we got settled back in the van and headed towards home, these girls started asking questions. One asked if Brad would marry her, meaning officiate the ceremony, but somehow that silliness lead to one of the girls asking him what he would say if I asked him to marry me. He said he would say no because it is the man's place to ask. that took them into a whole different conversation :) But after the girls were dropped at their homes, he asked me what I would say if he asked. I asked if he was asking, he said no, he just was wondering what I would say. With that I am pretty sure I gave him an "I don't know." Mostly because, he had never given any indication of how he felt. By this point we had been dating 8 months, though he had given me gifts and/or flowers at every holiday, and even a diamond necklace in July, he had yet to hold my hand, or tell me he loved me, but he was asking about marriage? I was confused by his wondering about my response to that particular question. So after I asked him, and after we spent a very difficult afternoon at the police department, he sat down with his bible and read Proverbs 31 to me. Compared me to the woman described there (which is odd because I was not a wife or a mother, but...), and said,:"You asked if I love you. Yes. I love you."
It was what I wanted to hear, so it was good enough. And though I think it was odd now, I am pretty sure I thought it was so sweet then.
After that there was not another mention of marriage for months. He did start holding my hand, but only of there was absolutely nobody around to see it. Not in stores, not in restaurants, certainly not in church or around the Youth Group (he was the Youth Pastor at the time). That made me feel weird. I thought "why is it OK to hold my hand only when there is nobody else around?" He explained it away by saying he discouraged the teens from holding hands, and he needed to set that example for them. It didn't set quite right as a sufficient answer, but I accepted it, and went along with it.
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