Deceived

If you read my older blog (https://hisgraceistrulyamazing.blogspot.com/) you know I was rescued by a very dear couple, who allowed me to come stay with them in Oregon after they moved away from where we lived in Southern California.

When I got to Oregon I thought I was free from my abuser and safe  at last.  I did not consciously realize I was simply running away, for nearly a year. But during that year I made foolish choices, because I was certain, that because I had survived abuse and gotten away, I couldn't fall into being abused again. Me today would tell me then, "Don't believe that lie!"  Truth is me then, probably would not have listened, but I don't know that for sure, because nobody ever said anything like that to me.

I was needy, I was a child, not simply because I was just 21, but because I was extremely immature for my age.  I have heard and read that when a child is abused, they stop growing emotionally until the abuse stops.  If that is an accurate observation, then I had the emotional development of a 12 year old at that point in my life.  And the experience of the last 20 years, has lead me to believe that is probably pretty close to right, at least in my life.

I never imgined any one would ever want to date or even consider marrying me.  The ugliest, dumbest, just grossest person on the planet.  I mean even my mother loved a pedophile more than me.

I also didn't realize how damaged I was because I knew I was a victim, and was not going to let that define my life, and I knew I had trust issues that needed to be fixed, so I convinced myself, I was OK.

When I started to church in Oregon, I didn't realize, I was being watched, almost immediately from my first Sunday. He and his sister and mother (at least) watched me, to see if I came every service, to see if I had children, they asked questions to find out what they could about me.  I was under surveillance for close to four months before he asked me to dinner and shopping. 

I have jokingly remarked that he stalked me for those 4 months. Anymore, I am not so sure that I wasn't being stalked. He said he wanted to know what kind of person I was before getting involved.  (I thought I had had to be "good enough", but now I wonder if I had to be weak enough or simple enough)

I made a comment once, referring to my reaction to sugar, that if he had known me in California, he probably wouldn't have had anything to do with me.  He quickly agreed. 

He needed to feel better than me, and wanted to be confident that I believed he was better than me and I should be grateful that he was willing to take someone so much lesser than himself.

Because I knew where I came from, it was easy to get me to line up with that course of thinking.

Anyway.

In mid-December,  there was a Christmas party with our Sunday school class.  I didn't want to go.